You wonder aloud about it, you speculate what your self-worth is in the face of parents, yours and hers, in the face of religion how you once believed it how you believe it now, in the face of America and what it stands for and what you thought it stood for and what you yourself stand for. You wonder aloud about the speculations and determinations you have come to based upon the course of your life, your world, that you were born into by no choosing of your own, in circumstances that you did not get to choose, in a world that said you could rise out of that world with a little bit of determination, a little bit of education, a little bit of trying. And you continued some naive journey to better yourself into adulthood because you were dumb enough to believe that would elevate your station, that you were not the sum of your past, that you functioned just fine, and that you had people rooting for you, but in truth, the system, institutions, people are set in stone, the stairs to ascend are a slippery slope designed to keep you tumbling, extending a hand of bread crumbs only to pull away and sock you in the nose. In truth you think, the beauty you saw in it, in your possible future, plagued by poverty, and self-doubt, mental illness, and naysayers, the bright light at the end of a towering shadow tunnel of rebukes and snarky remarks, you thought you could get there. For awhile you stayed stowed away in your little catacomb, and you felt a comfort in just sitting down, but like a taunting light of a firefly you saw possibility sitting the corner, on the edge of the room, and you decided despite the fragility of your anxious mind to crawl tooth and nail to it, abandoning personal relationships, abandoning an easy route in the steady stream that was, because you wanted to believe the stories of your church, of your school system, of your country and its ideological chant that you could pull yourself up and take a bite of the apple off the tallest branch because this is the land of the opportunity, just a little bit of hard work.
And you did work hard, you worked hard to defeat your own doubt, and anxiety, your own broken mind, you pushed yourself out of self-isolation, let people in to be your friends who hoisted you, sometimes kicking and screaming out of the comfort of your seperation anxiety, and you found work, and friends, and love, and heartache, joy and pain, you strove through the whirlwind anxiousness of adulthood, with missteps, and poor guidance, and a lot of support from your family and friends, and some not so good support from extended family that looked down on you and ridiculed you, and cast doubt on the possibilities of being better, people who said this muddy water is just what is fit to drink, you are not fit to do anything other than roll in it, in this great land of opportunity, but you decided to swim to the shore, to walk upright, and to be better. And you'd go on failing, finding a job, in a position you looked down on before, but surrounded by good people, and a wonderful pair of bosses, and you built your self-confidence, in the sludge of food service, somehow you moved on up, and for almost 8 years you didn't miss a day of work, were late a bit, but you nearly 100% were always there, and you did your job, and took pride in the shit that you were sending out, and the crew you were put in charge of, and you found people saw your character, they knew you were good, and hardworking, and you are forever grateful for that shitty little job serving up roast beef sandwhiches because people you worked for, with, managed, they saw worth in you, and you felt confident, and you found you were good at something after feeling so long you were a piece of fat shit. So, silly you, you wanted to keep going, to follow your dreams, to latch onto that american dream, and you went back to school.
It was difficult at first, getting back into the groove of things, after so long of being off the track, but you rid yourself of a long term relationship that wasn't right for the life you truly wanted, it wasn't all bad, but you wanted something else, and that track you were on was no good. So you let go of someone who would have given her arms and legs for you, but you knew it wasnt' what you wanted, and you spent so many long, and lonely years focusing on yourself. Studying, full course loads, summer time classes, just studying, finally finishing up your community college degree to prove to yourself you could do it. And you did. More confidence built, more friends made, more teachers admiring your heart, your kindness, your talent, you kept on keeping on as they say. And you decided to keep at it, enrolled, doubted yourself, and then went back to believing you were okay in choosing to do what you loved. You wanted to set a good example to your niece and nephew, your brother and sister, your little cousins, you wanted to show them how you could crawl from the bottom, that it was worth it, that it was hard, and grueling but it'd be worth it. That just because you might have been poor you were still worth something, that you could still follow your heart, and be happy doing what you loved, that the system didn't always fuck you over.
Then unexpectedly, when you weren't even looking, and because you took that chance to better yourself, and because you struggled, and took longer to get where you were, you lined up perfectly with the love of your life. Someone who told it straight, who was goofy, and intelligent, and outgoing. Money never came into it, and you are ultimately and wholeheartedly offended that the only reason a lower class person could want to be with a higher class person is because they have money. I lived contently with very little, money matters to me only in that I need it to function in this world, it is not my source of happiness. The idea that someone might think that of you, that just because you lived a different monetary value growing up, and that you could only want to crawl up out of your hole to leech off of someone is offensive. My worth lies not in my net worth, but in my self worth, in the emotional and supportive wealth I give to my beautiful,and giving and kind and talented, and intelligent partner. I see her and my heart is full, it is satisfied, that other people might have seen that open and vulnerable heart and sought to use it and abandon it, to see how giving and open she is, the way I am, the way I gave and gave to people, and they devoured it, got their use of me and spit me back out. To me, my love is a shield, protective, total, invincible complete, and it wraps around her heart, and I won't abandon her. She gives, and she accepts, and I give and I accept, and I am in love with the content of who she is, and not her monetary value. It just so happens, she is smart, is driven, is in a better job market than me, that is the coincidence of this pairing, and for so long I thought class differences between partners being a cause for concern was Hollywood drama, but it feels as though I was wrong.
But here I am, I have found my way through undergraduate studies at the age of 32. Mostly deciphering my own brain, getting out of my own funks, mostly, not always, I am wholeheartedly aware of the support my family and friends have given me. I am absolutely aware, that many people do not have these support systems, and I know if I didn't I wouldn't be where I am now. We are a social species, we need each other, and that is not a flaw in my person. I am worth something, I am here, and I am staying, and I will not go anywhere, because for the first time in my own life, I am happy, my personal pieces have fallen into place, and I am proud of me.
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